it seems like every time i have a thought in my head...

i come to pen and paper or the keyboard...

i tried talking to myself, more like recording myself... to release the thoughts i had.. the feelings that were inside that i wanted to get out.

but for some reason... it juss sounded better on a keyboard.... or even pen and paper..

but never in my own voice...

im a mess.. my life.. is going nowhere... nowhere at all...

im jobless im not even in school...

im trying.. i realli am.. theres onli but so much that i can do...

i find myself to more excuses.. but y the excuses... juss do it..

do ppl kno the difference of wen sumbody needs sumone to listen to or needing advice?

i have so many thoughts running thro my head...

i miss korea.. i wanna go so bad...

ohh mann its so late..

i juss cant sleep.. i cant..

i need stability.... security... a job. lol

im dun...

so like everybody wud tell me that...

after u graduate... u gotta decide wat u gotta do wit ur life...

i always thought about it.. but i never took as serius...

why is that wen people get caught up with their own party life, that they never realize whats realli important?

its never too late obviusly.... but wen u give up that one chance to get that guidance.. u loze it....

now im stuck here in an apt that i owe for rent. and i DONT have a job....

wow gud goin rite?

i've applied everywhere... and i havent gotten a single call or email...

WHY is it that economy is low... that to the pt. its like ok... how do i get a job now??

back in school it was different... it was juss money makn for the little bills i had to pay...

now its like i gotta keep that job... so i cud live?

i didnt think it was gunna be this bad... lol

well ya i did.. juss never thought i wud be in it... talkn about it... and stressn out about it...

ugh.....

GOD. i am asking u PLEASE answer my prayers to find a job.... soon.

Please God, its nobody but Me n U against this reality..... and nobodys gunna sympathize except for me....

i need ur help...

Fate shud take it from here

Its kinda nice havn this xanga thing bakk again... haha

Myspace gets a lil old these days...

soo me n gigi r thrown a party tonite!!!

im so syced about it!

My Pk crews gunna be there... and sum of the Richmond crew.... im excited..

hmmm.... i guess things changed a lil since the last time i wrote in here...

i met a guy.... well i met a lot of guyz.. but i ended up goin out wit one of em.

haha can u believe that this asshole was two-timn me????

wow... and i thought i had him completely out of my life.. and the other nite... this nikka CALLS ME!

wat the heck????

i muved on a long time ago....

and i met a realli GREAT guy...

but i feel vulnerable around him....

and i hate that..

sumtimes i feel like im not meant to be in relationships.. or juss not ready for them..

he is a gud guy...

but..... its hard to pursue sumthin wit sumbody wen u have feelings for sumbody else...

ugh.. i dont kno..

i guesss....

im in luv.

i dont kno wat else to do from here.....

guess im bakk

wow its been a gud min. since i been on this thing...

well everybodys on myspace n facebook.. lol

its funny how things change..

but i guess its a gud thing i came bakk here...

juss to release sum thoughts without n e body really reading it.

hmmm.. lets c wats been goin on...

i been played, hurt, stressed, slakn, partyn, crying, fuking, failing, lozing jobs,  and oh the list just goes on....

so theres this party that this guyz haven in stafford...

and im def. not goin...

i juss cant c him nd dat grl together....

how am i supposed to juss let it go.. and get over it like that???

that shit dusnt happen overnite,,, u kno??

it hurts everytime i c em together...

i wont do it...

and i refuse to make myself hurt even more..

cuz i kno wats gunna happen wen i go down there....

its not worth the pain.. the time.. and the stress..

so ima juss do myself a favor and save myself...

ugh.. i guess certain things were to happen for a reason...

im dun..... i gotta deal wit my shit first b4 i deal wit them dum ass nikkas..

im thro. this shit is stupid...

im out... im falln apart.

yaaaa... its like that.

It's been awhile since i've been on this thing.

thought i shud just vent on this.. since nobodys really on here anymore.

hmm..

well i cant believe im actually gunna wait for this guy.

it's almost been a month since he's been gone.

= / and there isnt a day that i DONT think about him...

it kinda hurts, sometimes.. but i dont really cry anymore, like i used to.

sometimes i wish i wasnt a girl, so i wudnt have to deal with these kinds of things.

ok,, so 2 more months that he'll be gone.. cant wait till March and Feb. are over..

Hopefully they'll go by fast.

i dunno what it is, but everyday i wanna drive and drive till i hit Arlington and just stay there.. and not leave till he comes back.

my heart hurts, and it's sad.

it's like trying to find somebody closest to him, but you just cant get to it, b/c it's not the same, you kno?

i keep thinking "what if"

what if i just stayed with him and woke up with him, instead of just leaving.

what if i just spent that part of my day with him, and just said fuck everything, let me live in the moment.

and then theres that other part, where what if i met nic before him..

Nic is such a good guy,, and he's every girls typical romantic guy... and i screwed it up for some a-hole whos not even in the country.

i prolly wudnt be this sad or even this fustrated if i met nic first. i prolly wudv been REALLY happy. maybe.

ugh. this is such bullshit. how ami supposed to tell him what i feel?

i cant.

i said i wasnt gunna hesitate. that i was gunna be upfront.

ya w/e..

it's all b.s.

b/c you kno what im gunna say to him? im gunna say.. hi felix welcome back! how was nicaragua?! and just smile...

im so scared that im gunna run him off.

he's had his time to think, 3 months.. business or not.. i kno he's had time to think about what happened and how he feels.

ill just let him do the talking.. and ill just listen.. IF he talks..

i guess we'll c......